Metamorphoses

Dennis was a 54-year old man from Rainbow Village who came religiously (no pun intended) to my church, the Church of the Open Word. (I should mention that Rainbow Village is a system of housing for mentally disabled / physically disabled people who need a little help in their daily lives)

I had some great conversations with Dennis. I usually sat by him during coffee hour, and he would talk about where he had gone for a walk or traveled or seeing me at Book Club (every Thursday he went to Borders to read magazines, he called it Book Club, I saw him there a couple times). Dennis was one of the kindest people at the Church, always saying how nice the music was and asking if I would be back the next week.

During prayer each week, he offered up prayers to his two dead parents, who had been dead for years. This was the most touching part of the service for me, as most everything else at the Church nowadays rings less than sincere for me.

Dennis had only two family members left, a stepmother who never visited due to back problems and a brother who he had not talked to in 10 years.

Rainbow Village was his family, as was the Church of the Open Word.

Last Sunday, he asked me if I was going to see him at Borders on Thursday (today). I told him yes. But today it was sleeting, so I couldn't make it. When I got home, Marty called and told my mother and I that Dennis died in his sleep this morning. He was the same age as my mom.

The last time I saw him was Sunday, when he decided to go outside as it was time to leave with the other Rainbow Village people. It was pouring heavily, but he didn't care, just stood in the rain.

The funeral's this Monday, at the Church.

I don't think I've ever known someone so honest, innocent and unconditionally loving. May he rest in peace.

stream clean! was! awesome!

and everything's perfect!

perfect perfect. we got muddy and all injured and such, but it was amazing! found an antler and a turtle and a snail... took the antler with me :)

we got fed well, too! oh man, i loved the organizers/boatmen. they were tres cool.

sadly, no other schools came. it was me, colin, sam, rob, adee, and david. not too bad of a turnout, but not a lot, either. oh well, it was still amazing!

Jenny's Life, Currently:

Read first page of Foucalt's Pendulum... by Umberto Eco... and fell madly in love. I reeeeally like this dude.

Decided to become a fruiterer (yes, it is a word) when I grow up. I really want to sell fruit. In France, maybe.

"Why, look, it's ____! What'll you have today? The usual?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay, a liter of blueberries coming right up! That'll be two dollars. Here you go!"
"Thanks, Jenny!"
"No problem! Have a nice day!" (waves cheerily)

It would so work.

Edit: I feel so ashamed of previous posts! I've been talking to my mom about her lengthy past in the Post–Dispatch, and she has some pretty incredible things on her record. For example... her years as a crime/police reporter, the desegregation story she did that got an award, and especially the radioactive waste story she did twenty years ago about Weldon Springs and other sites. That one was entered at the lower levels for a Pulitzer, apparently (got a different award though). She recounts her talks with old workers at Weldon Springs and the citizens of the area, and talks about discovering unreported burial sites for radioactive waste, and sifting through top-secret records, and gets this Brenda Starr glint in her eye, and it's like... I've severely misjudged her. She's like Nancy Drew or something. This kind of thing is what makes me want to be a reporter...

Very excited for stream cleanup thing on Saturday. Anyone coming? Anyone giving/needing a ride?

Today I went to church.
I saw Kit and Penny and Julia! Yay!
But...
I also saw Mr. Ken Rapini.
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I am reading the most amazing book right now. It is called "Siddhartha" and is by Herman Hesse (I think he did Ishmael...). If it turns out too much like Ishmael I might get a little cynical of it - since we keep running over all the -isms in English, over and over, the "awakening" theme is becoming a bit hard for me to stomach these days (sadly).
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Very scared about tomorrow.

Four people to accompany (100$!), and a latin competition... and I think certamen is going to fall right on one of the times! Scary, because I'm needed for mythology. Rrgh.
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Oh, no, I didn't.

Oh, yes, I did. Quiz time!

If your life was a soundtrack according to the obviously supernaturally gifted iTunes, what would the songs be?
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On January 12, Joshua Bell played for money in L'Enfant Plaza, at the heart of federal Washington... for a sort of social experiment - seeing how many people would stop, how many would recognize him.

The article.

As I said. Poor America. These bureaucrats do not stray outside of their boxes.

Damn it, Kathleen!
Should have known I'm too much of a Gemini to stick to my resolutions.
I need to put a disclaimer at the top? Saying "Don't take this blog seriously - it is only for entertainment purposes." Because I don't know what I'm doing.
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I wonder when I can stop being fake? I lie -it's not lying, it's just not being true...- all the time.
People say I'm not being true to myself, but I'm really just not being true to you.
That's all I can say right now.

Organ lesson was good. Met a guy that I admired a lot.
It hurts.

Sat in the sun a lot. Lots of spiders in the yard, must wear shoes next time.
Feel really intense. Need to calm down, not sure how. Might play the piano with headphones as to not disturb Dad.
This would be the time when my mother would come in and look very concerned and ask if I was doing all right. She's not here, though, so everything will stay here.
Saw people at Borders.

My dining room table disappeared yesterday.

Spring break will be hard?
I-can't-cry!

Edit: I snuck out and ran it off at 12:50 AM. Seven-tenths of a mile in sock feet. I know it was seven-tenths because my mom and I used to run it together when I was young.

Aaaahhhhhh. *beach noise*

Even though I was tired and felt kind of shitty today, it was veerrrry nice.
Mostly because of break.

After school: Paul taught me DnD before my music lesson.
He was very helpful and we played a practice round.
DnD = amazing! It's like... the world that I needed as a kid but could never put into words? No, that's too sappy. And I'm pretty sure no world that I ever dreamed of as a child would have a Gelatinous Cube in it (I am so fixated on that monster). I feel like I need to knit DnD creatures now, or paint them on my walls or something. It's just so cool!
I need to get the hang of the talking, though. When someone says, "There is a cave before you", it's hard for me to get the reaction time to say "Enter the cave". I'm thinking, what if it's a yucky cave? What if I stumble over a rock? Shouldn't I come up with a few reasons to enter the cave first? Haha... um, I'll get better.

This week =
no tv
minimum inside-ness
much envirothon
much reading in the sun
much music
much creativeness
=perfect

I'm going to play around in the backyard a lot. Prepare the ground for garden? Weed? Neh?
Probably will just spend a lot of time being a lizard and basking.

Tomorrow I have my organ lesson, though, so I need to get to sleep. It's at Trinity Presbyterian, in U. City... same place where the master class is.

Oops. Need to call them, and Donna. Damn my forgetfulness!

I am SO making this the latest night I stay up, ever.
Let's see how long I last without looking really scary in the morning!

I'm so mad, though, because I wrote the last half of my English essay in lab today, and the STUPID WINDOWS COMPUTER did not save ANY of it. So I get to redo it. Life is beautiful.

Today was nice, though. Did math in the backyard. Tried to understand redox in chemistry, and it was hard, because I somehow make a very awful point not to ask for help... and very often I need it. It's sort of a problem I have, going back to when I was little. Not sure why I am so stupidly independent sometimes, and then so needy other times.

While I was sitting outside, I looked at the houses behind ours.

My subdivision is pretty normal, has turned kind of rich in the past few years (ew... yuppies!), but doesn't have any mansions or anything. But the houses behind mine are part of a huge rich-people complex, a sort of gated community.
The people (person?) in the house directly behind ours never come outside. Their house is on a hill, so it sort of looms. It's really big, average size for a McMansion. No flowers or anything - just a large fountain on one side. No running children, no pets, no wildlife, even (because of the lack of vegetation other than grass). The only movement is the fountain, and the lights that turn on and off in the night. Occasionally gardeners come to work on their lawn.

Why?

I really want to know who lives there. There is a huge cast-iron fence, though, which would mean I would have to climb over it to meet them.

Rosebud...

2 tests. 1 essay. Zero motivation.
I was online, and only 5 percent of people who take the AP Language Exam get a 5? What?
Who pays 83 dollars to get a 2? I'm taking 2 AP tests. Scared.

On break soon... so delicious but so far away at the same time, because of tests and essay. If I can finish the essay by 11, I can study for math until 12, go in for help tomorrow before school, study for chemistry with remaining time before school and in Physics and lunch, and then after my chemistry test study some more for math and then take my math test.

Then I will do some Envirothon stuff with Eugene, learn DnD from Paul, annnd...?
My mom's leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina, too. She's helping Big Bear (my grandfather) get rid of stuff and move. She'll be gone for 4 or 5 days, I'm going to miss her a lot.

Need to make most of spring break! Will do something interesting every day, hopefully. No TV. No over-sleeping. Just happy :)

things things things...

Okay if I make a list? I need to write it down so that it is someplace other than my head.

Sign up for AP tests
Practice organ
Buy books from bookstore (make sure don't have already?)
Go to Jazz Band and Envirothon tomorrow
Cobble together team members
Study for Chem and Math tests

Arrgh. So that was the little gnawing unpleasant sensation. Envirothon team. No one's motivated, no one's there, and we haven't even met yet.

So. Tomorrow we are meeting. We HAVE to meet, or else I will kill someone.
And we will meet a minimum of twice before two weeks are up, or else I will kill someone else.

If this doesn't get rolling, I'll just carry it, if I can. We really need to meet, though - I'm scared.

Heeey!

Saw 300 today with my father. It was cool. Got lots of notes for Latin, so I can make a good project out of it. In fact, I liked analyzing it.

Things I noticed: Stereotyping, historical accuracies, beautiful cinematography, lots of blood, a ton of exaggeration, pretty boys, parallels between it and LOTR, Americanization, and an overwhelmingly Jesus-ified scene at the end.

So much! I wasn't sure how to feel because of all of that!

But overall, I liked it. It's hard for me to hate a movie with nice cinematography. And pretty boys. Did I say that out loud? Also, the fact that they mentioned the phalanx and showed the whole Spartan way of life meant that they knew in a roundabout way what they were talking about.

It was still based on a graphic novel, though. So, you know, it wasn't entirely half realistic.

Today... today today today. What did I do today?

I like what I'm reading right now. Silent Spring and my soil book and everything. They are very connection-y. I like it.

I need some water softener, though! Found out in my soil book that you can figure out the percentages of clay, silt, sand and humus in a specific area by taking two cups of water, a tablespoon of water softener, and soil from the top 12 inches of the ground, shaking it all in a see-through container until it's all mixed up, waiting 24 hours and then measuring the different sections (sand goes to bottom, silt is on top of that, clay is suspended in the middle, and humus is at the very top) with a ruler, dividing it by the total length and multiplying that by 100.

Bam! I'm going to own the garden this year. Screw artificial fertilizer, I'm talking microbes, I'm talking fungi, I'm talking everything. I shall be the Queen of the Terra Firma! Pedologist! Edaphologist!

...I had to look those up, don't worry.

Mmmkay... Change is needed.

Tried one of the bread recipes tonight and it didn't work quite right. Flavor was fine, but rising was bad and it was too dense. Therefore = stop adding so much flour while kneading! Easy.

Tomorrow I accompany. I also am maybe going to see 300 with Paul and Co.? Hopefully, if we can get it together I mean.

I realized a couple things today:

1. When talking to the amazing substitute we had in math, that I really want to backpack A LOT when I'm older, and that I need to become more fit in general (in accordance with the Greek-ness: arts, learning, and physical fitness)... er, also because I need the endorphine right now.

2. I don't see, what, half of the people in the school? I feel like I'm in an honors bubble. It's kind of annoying. This might be why the next one is...

3. I have become really self-centered. Sooo focused on myself. I think it's because I don't get out much, I am sort of bored with people, and... etc. I need something new! Something to distract me! I can't stand myself, and in trying to make myself better, just screw everything up.

4. Despite this, some people still tolerate (like?) me for some reason. I don't get it.

5. I am not the same on the inside as I am on the outside. Extremely different, in fact.

6. I am going to fucking run tomorrow. A mile or two. Maybe three.

That was far too many numbers!

Most of all, I think I want to stop thinking so much. Hey, that's the other thing that annoys me about the honors bubble. Especially the sophomores that are in some of my classes - they are so demanding. Demanding of themselves and especially of the teachers. Needy needy needy.

It really pisses me off, especially when they (we? Juniors do it too, to a lesser extent - we're not as motivated, I think) think they know everything. Nietzsche was mentioned on the announcements in Physics this morning, and a Needy Sophomore asked who he was. Another Needy Sophomore promptly answered, in derogatory tone and everything, "An Angry German Philosopher", and gave the other person a Look, like that was the end of it.

Right. That is the sum of Nietzsche? Have you read Nietzsche, punk? Why are you presuming that you, by having heard that name at one of your mother's cocktail parties, could have a full understanding of any philosophers by the tender age of 15? Or even older!

Which brings me to another thing I hate about honors. We get into this frame of mind where, Yes, We Are Amazing Students, We Can Totally Understand Everything There Is To Know About Whitman and Hawthorne and Be Totally Cocky While Doing It.

In my experience, it is the quieter ones who know more (er, it should be that way anyway).

In conclusion, I've really liked talking with Jillian lately. Because I don't have to be bitter or sad or pretentious or cocky. I can just be me. Same thing with all y'all out there, too. Don't mean to be exclusionary (word?). Heh... the sub in Math and I were trading long words back and forth today. He was delicious looking (I'm sorry!) and backpacked and liked Washington and was very... very what I see the Ideal Greek as. Not that I would see myself being with that person. But he was athletic, tall, attractive, very into math and nature, not sure about arts. I like the rounded-ness.

The past few days I've been really enjoying just basking in the sun... there's this hillock (ha! hillock!) on the back side of the school that is absolutely gorgeous at lunchtime.

Found a new really favorite artist. He's amazing!

His name is Chris "Isto" White... he's on YouTube, found his Banana song and was kind of hooked. It's just so happy without being annoying!

Here's his "Bear Necessities"... http://youtube.com/watch?v=TgqJ7vClALw

Aww. I like people like that.

Thinking about maybe getting a job at the Library. I've seen other teenagers working there, and it seems like it would be a pretty good place to work.

Screw that entry. This is cooler.

I have decided to screw piano camp in favor of...
it's really cool...
a lot better than a POE...
having to do with Oberlin...
it's ORGAN CAMP AT OBERLIN!

whee!

Oberlin is one of the best liberal arts colleges (perhaps the best) for music and science, so this is very good.

sadly they do not offer a piano camp. and it falls right in the middle of indiana piano camp, but i'm saying screw it!

because... well, see for yourself:

The Oberlin Conservatory of Music is pleased to announce the second annual Oberlin Summer Academy for High School Organists who are considering possible undergraduate study in organ.
Professors of organ, David Boe and James David Christie, will offer daily private lessons and master classes. There will be faculty recitals and opportunities for student performances during the Academy. Students will have access to the French Symphonic organ in Finney Chapel built by Charles Fisk (2001), the North German-Dutch 17th century style organ in Warner Concert Hall built by Flentrop (1974), and the Renaissance meantone organ in Fairchild Chapel built by John Brombaugh (1981). Students will also have access to Oberlin's extraordinary collection of 17 practice organs built by Flentrop, Brombaugh, Noack, and Holtkamp, which are housed in the air-conditioned Kulas Organ Center, and to Oberlin's harpsichord collection, which is considered one of the finest in North America. In addition, students will be able to visit the mechanical action organs by Brombaugh, Flentrop, Bedient, and Gober in Oberlin's local churches. In addition, introductory lessons will be given in harpsichord and improvisation by graduate students, Brett Maguire and Balint Karosi.
Students have daily access to 15 organs of varied design - Oberlin's outstanding collection represents the finest traditions of European and American craftsmanship. Three superb concert instruments, representative of different historical periods and musical styles, are also part of the collection. No other professional school of music has as many fine instruments.

Ohhhh my. It is so amazing. I mean, JAMES DAVID CHRISTIE ohmygod. I went to a concert by him and it was ohmygod.

It's also only 300 dollars, which may seem like a lot but is VERY small compared to normal music camps (trust me).

Plus... you know, very often in organ camps the element of romance is present (oops, it is also very often lackluster and mediocre, with a slight dusting of unattractive)...

Hot.

Although I am having doubts. Indiana has Daniel Schene, the one who I had the master class (which was amazing) with, and some other stellar people.

But I actually see myself doing more with... oh no, don't say this, Jenny...
I mean, there's more of a future in... don't do it...
There's more opportunity in organ. Sorry piano. I'm so undecided between the two.

(but organists are hellas cooler than pianists, i have to say)

I got a one at federation. Expected. Didn't win. Also expected.
I hate that.

Anyway, today was all right. Although wearing black and white always makes me feel kind of disconnected... kind of urban at the same time? I don't know.

Trying to write this stupid essay, and it wouldn't come for the longest time, mostly because my internet was gone for about 10 hours today... and it came right back once I restarted my computer. Rrrgh.

In other news.

Today I got sort of mad at my mother again, and then felt really really bad after she tried to hug me. But then later we went another step back:
Mom: Jenny, I know you get mad because I have a problem with talking small-talk all the time, but I thought I should bring up something that is really important to me.
Jenny (eager): Yes, Mom? What is it?
Mom: Now, this may not matter very much to you, but when you go to your future fiancé's house to meet your in-laws, and you don't hang up your towel properly, your mother-in-law will be horrified. I'm sorry, but...
Jenny: Okay. I'll try.
Mom: It means a lot to me. That and thank-you notes.
Jenny: I know, Mom.

All I can say is:
1. God forbid that the person I marry someday would have parents who would disown me for not hanging up a towel properly.
2. I would hang up the towel properly! It's only... I don't really worry about it in my own bathroom, I'm sorry.

Anyway, the point is that we're probably never going to get much farther than that. I mean, she is so smart, but I think her interest lies mostly in emotions and trying to make other people happy. Which is incredible by itself (because she manages that and school and getting her masters, somehow), but... I don't think we're going to have many deep conversations, although we've had a few.
I think I'm happy with that, though. Somehow it would be weird if it were any other way.

The other thing!
Today in orchestra Jillian and Alec and David were exclaiming over my gray hair thing. So when I got home, I looked in the mirror, and saw it! I mean, I knew about the streak, but... it's pretty cool now! It's a good-sized streak, a couple centimeters across and the length of my regular hair.
I asked my mom about it and she said that there has been a lot of that, apparently the women in our family get a random streak of gray or something.
But as cool as it is, I can't help thinking that I feel a little bit like a bad roleplay character:
Princess Moonraven Darknight strolled through the forest, her pet wolf Twitchfoot by her side. She was wearing dark red robes and had blue-green eyes that changed to purple every 3 days. Her hair tossed lightly in the wind, revealing a streak of silver near the back.
Sqckkkkk. (yeah! that's the sound of strangling again!)

By the way, Paul is teaching me Dungeons and Dragons. Should I be scared? I mean, this is hardcore nerdage.

Yay! Walked to Trader Joe's today! It was sunny and nice. I think someone I know went by, too, but I'm not sure who it was. At the store I bought some sun-dried tomatoes, parmesan and basil for the fugasse.

The SAT was okay, I guess. I think I did pretty well on the writing and the reading, but I wasn't sure about a few of the math ones.

Oh! My nemesis also appeared on the reading section. Here's the story - during the PSAT, there was only one question on the reading section that gave me trouble, because it contained the words enervate and vaunt, and I didn't know either one. It frustrated the hell out of me. So today, I saw enervate there AGAIN! It almost enervated me (bam!), but I ended up kicking its butt.

Just sort of chillaxing (ha...) today, don't feel like doing much. I will probably clean my room and practice piano. Blah. Still sick, too.

Tomorrow I take the SAT. Probably should have studied... I'm taking it twice, though, so there's plenty of time for that.

Today I was reading Popular Science (I will never admit to that if confronted, though), and it had the coolest project. It involved attaching durable, weatherproof solar panels to a messenger bag and hooking them up to a USB - and then while you're walking around in summer, your iPod and phone can charge. Nice, right? The cost of the whole project is around 45 dollars (but there is some soldering involved). It's basically amazing.

We're reading Walt Whitman in English these days... love love love it. I've read a little on my own, but it's cool to unpack it in class.

Watched Borat today with parents. It was funny, but... parents. A bit awkward, with the excessive man parts and all.

Also, have noticed that I can't really talk to them about the things I want to talk about. I mean, Mom usually only wants to talk about colleges or the news or girly things (seriously, I love her a lot, but she is a little transparent sometimes), and it's really hard to talk with Dad because he either ends up telling me to clean my room or get my grades up. Sometimes I talk with him about politics or books... well, there's not a lot, that's all. Occasionally my mom will start pulling out poetry books or famous authors and set them on my shelf, and my dad has an amazing sense of self and of the world, so I know they're both really awake, but it's still hard. I'm not sure what I want from them, but I do know that I'm tired of all this routine.

Maybe I'm thinking too much?
I think I just need to get out more.

Spring break is in twooo weeks! My mom has a different spring break, and my dad only has a day off a week, so...
adventure time!

I'm not sure what I will do. I'm thinking I won't spend much time inside. Since my dad doesn't have much time for the garden this year, I'll prepare the ground and stuff like that. It's too early to start planting.

Seeds we are thinking about:
Tomatoes
Bush beans
Peas
Carrots
Radishes?
Soybeans (I hope)
Eggplant

Yes, it's pretty ambitious, but I think we can pull it off. Last summer we didn't do much, just the first four on the list. I'm thinking the eggplants will be interesting.

Also, hopefully the strawberries will come back. I think our blueberries are gone, but we do have the blackberries (which the birds devour). Plus a pear tree which should actually bear fruit this year. Last year we got all of one deformed pear from it.