Metamorphoses

Dennis

Fri, 07 Dec 2007 04:18:58 GMT

Dennis was a 54-year old man from Rainbow Village who came religiously (no pun intended) to my church, the Church of the Open Word. (I should mention that Rainbow Village is a system of housing for mentally disabled / physically disabled people who need a little help in their daily lives)

I had some great conversations with Dennis. I usually sat by him during coffee hour, and he would talk about where he had gone for a walk or traveled or seeing me at Book Club (every Thursday he went to Borders to read magazines, he called it Book Club, I saw him there a couple times). Dennis was one of the kindest people at the Church, always saying how nice the music was and asking if I would be back the next week.

During prayer each week, he offered up prayers to his two dead parents, who had been dead for years. This was the most touching part of the service for me, as most everything else at the Church nowadays rings less than sincere for me.

Dennis had only two family members left, a stepmother who never visited due to back problems and a brother who he had not talked to in 10 years.

Rainbow Village was his family, as was the Church of the Open Word.

Last Sunday, he asked me if I was going to see him at Borders on Thursday (today). I told him yes. But today it was sleeting, so I couldn't make it. When I got home, Marty called and told my mother and I that Dennis died in his sleep this morning. He was the same age as my mom.

The last time I saw him was Sunday, when he decided to go outside as it was time to leave with the other Rainbow Village people. It was pouring heavily, but he didn't care, just stood in the rain.

The funeral's this Monday, at the Church.

I don't think I've ever known someone so honest, innocent and unconditionally loving. May he rest in peace.

scintillating stream - er, river - cleaning

Sat, 05 May 2007 22:00:03 GMT

stream clean! was! awesome!

and everything's perfect!

perfect perfect. we got muddy and all injured and such, but it was amazing! found an antler and a turtle and a snail... took the antler with me :)

we got fed well, too! oh man, i loved the organizers/boatmen. they were tres cool.

sadly, no other schools came. it was me, colin, sam, rob, adee, and david. not too bad of a turnout, but not a lot, either. oh well, it was still amazing!

fruiterer

Thu, 03 May 2007 01:41:13 GMT

Jenny's Life, Currently:

Read first page of Foucalt's Pendulum... by Umberto Eco... and fell madly in love. I reeeeally like this dude.

Decided to become a fruiterer (yes, it is a word) when I grow up. I really want to sell fruit. In France, maybe.

"Why, look, it's ____! What'll you have today? The usual?"
"Yes, please."
"Okay, a liter of blueberries coming right up! That'll be two dollars. Here you go!"
"Thanks, Jenny!"
"No problem! Have a nice day!" (waves cheerily)

It would so work.

Edit: I feel so ashamed of previous posts! I've been talking to my mom about her lengthy past in the Post–Dispatch, and she has some pretty incredible things on her record. For example... her years as a crime/police reporter, the desegregation story she did that got an award, and especially the radioactive waste story she did twenty years ago about Weldon Springs and other sites. That one was entered at the lower levels for a Pulitzer, apparently (got a different award though). She recounts her talks with old workers at Weldon Springs and the citizens of the area, and talks about discovering unreported burial sites for radioactive waste, and sifting through top-secret records, and gets this Brenda Starr glint in her eye, and it's like... I've severely misjudged her. She's like Nancy Drew or something. This kind of thing is what makes me want to be a reporter...

mer...

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 02:09:22 GMT

Very excited for stream cleanup thing on Saturday. Anyone coming? Anyone giving/needing a ride?

Today I went to church.
I saw Kit and Penny and Julia! Yay!
But...
I also saw Mr. Ken Rapini.

He came to my church to perform with a chamber group we hired (apparently we paid them real money... not sure how that happened)... and, yeah. Nothing stranger than having your orchestra director accompany you when you're playing a hymn. It sounded really beautiful, though.
At church, it was pretty normal. Little old ladies trying to get me to sample their homemade spinach quiche, that sort of thing. Until I sat down at a table with someone who I hadn't seen before. Talked to her for a while, and found out in the past, she has had
one stroke
one cerebral hemorrhage
one bout with cancer
and one grandson stationed in iraq for five years.
Eek! Didn't know what to say. She kept going on about miracles. I could only nod and smile and think weakly about how puny my problems are in comparison.
Couldn't stop modernist thoughts from crowding in my mind when she was talking about her grandson... she stared straight at me and said, "It's the most honorable thing he could've done, of course. To go to Iraq and fight in the war."
Goddammit. Of course I wasn't going to tell her that it might not be such a honorable thing. I just murmured "of course" and busied myself with eating strawberries until the other elderly women changed the topic.

In other news...
Got into Indiana! Yay. Want really badly to know if I got a merit scholarship, though.
Also am becoming sick with a cold and a sore throat. Sad face.
Wrote some pretty good stuff at Sherpas today. Might put some pieces up here, if I refine them...
Getting sort of depressed about not going to Prom, but not really. All the confident, amazing people at Sherpas? Found out they didn't go to Prom, because they were socially inept in high school like me. Damn, I wish I were ept.
No I don't.

Want summer to come... please... so I can be breezy bold and beautiful. Summer summer summer! No thinking allowed. Just raw music and adventuring and making things and becoming a better someone.

But I have homework now.

tired, but good day!

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 02:43:48 GMT

I am reading the most amazing book right now. It is called "Siddhartha" and is by Herman Hesse (I think he did Ishmael...). If it turns out too much like Ishmael I might get a little cynical of it - since we keep running over all the -isms in English, over and over, the "awakening" theme is becoming a bit hard for me to stomach these days (sadly).

As you've probably guessed, it's Buddha-themed. I like it very much... especially since my dad really loves Buddha, and he apparently had some kind of awakening during his travels. Oh I wish I could have something like that happen to me - but I'm hesitant to believe that it would. Or that I could ever find religion (of course, Dad didn't find religion... he just found... something). Or true peace. One can hope, though, right? And I'm just a teenager...

So, anyway, it's really good. Can't hardly put it down, even (though I'm afraid to say things like that about literature... it seems like my opinion always gets shot down once I begin to enjoy something! Not to bash Mr. Vogt, because he's amazing, but he has a way of making a face at certain things *cough* nietzsche! *cough*... and same with silly sophomores, but I don't pay attention to them)!

Other stuff? Went to Columbia, made a 1 in piano, accompanied Andrew (1), Lucas (?), Jessie (?), and Alex (2). Little problems along the way, but they will be worked out. Also went to JCL... rrgh, we lost against DeSmet (darn you, Colin, for not being there!), but the ones went really far so that was happy.

Then went to Borders and got Siddhartha, a random book, and my magazine fixes (ReadyMade and mental_floss)... and picked up some mostaccioli and soy stuff at Dierbergs for my mom. Saw Colin and his sisters there, very serendipitously. Then came home, started working on homework and writing in my pathetic livejournal... :)

Jenny out.

forced post

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 03:30:45 GMT

Very scared about tomorrow.

Four people to accompany (100$!), and a latin competition... and I think certamen is going to fall right on one of the times! Scary, because I'm needed for mythology. Rrgh.

Jazz concert was last night, though! Very fun - but I think a couple people were angry because we weren't prepared enough. Last song did suck... and lol at my duet with Winder. It was good, but... just funny!

Practiced with a viola today, her name's Jessie, I think? She was good.
That teacher, though! She seems to think I can play anything - and that's not the case! I at least need time to work up things - just because I can sightread doesn't mean that you can just throw things at me.

Walked with Riley today... had almost-lukewarm rootbeer... watched Aprés Vous with Colin (it was good)... it was a good day, I think. Except my piano solo might suck tomorrow! I hope I haven't neglected it in my pursuit of easy accompanying money. D:

I should be thinking more than I am these days. Maybe that's why I'm not writing so much - I'm getting lulled... into thinking everything's easy and fine. I need something cataclysmic to happen. Yes, I'm weird. Yes, I'm ending this journal post.

No, I don't feel satisfied with it. Maybe I'll add some edits.

i'm restless.

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 03:28:13 GMT

Oh, no, I didn't.

Oh, yes, I did. Quiz time!

If your life was a soundtrack according to the obviously supernaturally gifted iTunes, what would the songs be?

Opening credits:
New Rose - The Damned (cool)

Waking up:
The Proper Ornaments - Super Furry Animals (perfect)

First day of school:
77 Sunset Strip - Music For a Bachelor's Den (nice)

Falling in love:
I Hate Hippies - Skinflicks (aww I hope they don't... why do I have this song?)

First Song
Do You Believe in Magic? - Loving Spoonful (okay, clichéd)

Fight Song
Gingerbread Coffin - Rasputina (GOTH FIGHT!)

Breaking Up
You Just Haven't Earned It Yet, Baby - The Smiths (yeah! works!)

Prom
Gone With The Wind - Wes Montgomery (yeahh... i'll be out of there fast, if i go next year)

Life
Light & Day/Reach For The Sun - Polyphonic Spree (cute)

Mental Breakdown
Walkin' - Miles Davis (what? i guess... if i walk too much...)

Driving
Rock 'n' Roll Lifestyle - Cake (haha okay)

Flashback
J'y suis jamais allé - Yann Tiersen (yay! amelie song!)

Getting back together
She Smiled Sweetly - Rolling Stones (yesss)

Wedding
Ill Wind - John Buzon Trio (oh crap)

Birth of child
Afraid of Needles - SFTM (weird. i wasn't aware babies were spiny)

Death Scene
Also Sprach Zarathustra: Of Joys and Passions - Strauss, perf. by London Symphony (wow! this is very interesting. also because of the nietzsche connection)

Funeral Song
Main Offender - The Hives (cool, I guess, but a bit too upbeat)

End Credits
Hotel California - Gipsy Kings (nice. this was ending to big lebowski, if i remember correctly)

I'm finished. You can all relax, the quiz is over.

poor america...

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 21:14:30 GMT

On January 12, Joshua Bell played for money in L'Enfant Plaza, at the heart of federal Washington... for a sort of social experiment - seeing how many people would stop, how many would recognize him.

The article.

As I said. Poor America. These bureaucrats do not stray outside of their boxes.

arr

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 19:46:21 GMT

Damn it, Kathleen!
Should have known I'm too much of a Gemini to stick to my resolutions.
I need to put a disclaimer at the top? Saying "Don't take this blog seriously - it is only for entertainment purposes." Because I don't know what I'm doing.

Okay then. See, the journal thing works for deep thinking, but not for little things, and I always get too tired in my journal to write about mundane things that I need to get out of my brain.
For instance, today I was walking back from Riley's and saw two men standing next to their car, in front of a neighbor's house. The car's hazard lights were on. They were talking to each other and smoking... not sure what they were doing. One of them pointed to me and said something. I was feeling really confused, and slightly depressed, so I think I might have been crying.

And then Envirothon! Wow. I think that's too far back for me to write about it, though. Slightly sad we didn't place? Mostly just amused. And it was probably the most fun year I've had for Envirothon, mostly because we decided not to deal with the annoying teamy shit that everyone else was doing. Maggie made up raps!
Kind of weird afterward, though. In school, Eugene doesn't even say hi to me?
The team bonding was probably too much for him :)

Well, I'm kind of bored and trying to put off recording some stuff for the application. That Indiana camp... you know, I wonder if I have enough dedication for it. Trying to decide how much I really want to go - sometimes the drama of music camp kids is too much. It's like, how much of our lives is actually significant? That's why I can really do without the drama, for one, the empty conversations, for another, and the silly things that humans do (too much material there).
Flip flop flip flop... but I stand by that one Emerson quote that says you can change your opinion and personality at will. Hell, I've been doing it all my life. How am I ever going to find myself? Is there someone in there?
Going to go downstairs and do some limits and listen to organ music. Too lethargic to do anything else. In fact, I probably won't do limits and will instead either sit back and stare at the ceiling or read something light.

Went to Doc's house yesterday. He was so... happy! Proud of his garden - he's growing herbs and vegetables, making his own soil - traveling, just living really well. How I want to live when I grow up. Also, apparently Matthew Dowd was one of his students! You may have noticed an article about him on the front page of the Sunday New York Times... perfect.

Hmm, I think I do really want to go to Indiana, though. I mean, I did start a new Beethoven sonata, and a Ravel Sonatina that kicks ass, same with the Mendelssohn concerto. I think it would be good. Not to mention the organ lessons.
Speaking of music, that's something that really pains me. Music is one of the only reasons I exist - that, and reading Sunday comics (haha sry) - no, I mean music and nature and the bright parts of humanity, that's why I exist, I think... and it's hard to think of all the amazing sounds just spiralling into nothing. In a couple thousand years, do you think they will listen to Bach or Beethoven anymore? Much less soul music, or the blues? Nina Simone?

Forgetting! It really gets to me. That's why I keep this.

Also, have to ask: creative or philosophical? volatile or dependable? shallow or deep? chance of changing or knowledge of dependability?
What is prosciutto? Why do I try to talk about things that are empty concepts - but what else is there to talk about?
I used to cry about endangered species when I was a kid. Now what do I cry about - whether my life has any significance? What the hell kind of selfishness is that?!?

THIS is why I needed to start posting again.

P.S. Saw an awesome movie last night with Riley, courtesy of Blockbuster. it was called Reptilicus.

Girl: Is he handsome, father?
Father: No. He's got three eyes and a false moustache.

Army Man: Well, I guess I'll be here all night. You should probably go home, Sven.
Sven: No, I'll stay with you.
Army Man: You're a stubborn guy!
Sven: Other people are stubborn - I'm firm!

don't read this?

Sat, 24 Mar 2007 05:15:34 GMT

I wonder when I can stop being fake? I ~~lie~~ -it's not lying, it's just not being true...- all the time.
People say I'm not being true to myself, but I'm really just not being true to you.
That's all I can say right now.

Organ lesson was good. Met a guy that I admired a lot.
It hurts.

Sat in the sun a lot. Lots of spiders in the yard, must wear shoes next time.
Feel really intense. Need to calm down, not sure how. Might play the piano with headphones as to not disturb Dad.
This would be the time when my mother would come in and look very concerned and ask if I was doing all right. She's not here, though, so everything will stay here.
Saw people at Borders.

My dining room table disappeared yesterday.

Spring break will be hard?
I-can't-cry!

Edit: I snuck out and ran it off at 12:50 AM. Seven-tenths of a mile in sock feet. I know it was seven-tenths because my mom and I used to run it together when I was young.

panwyn, the half-elf ranger

Fri, 23 Mar 2007 03:52:56 GMT

Aaaahhhhhh. *beach noise*

Even though I was tired and felt kind of shitty today, it was veerrrry nice.
Mostly because of break.

After school: Paul taught me DnD before my music lesson.
He was very helpful and we played a practice round.
DnD = amazing! It's like... the world that I needed as a kid but could never put into words? No, that's too sappy. And I'm pretty sure no world that I ever dreamed of as a child would have a Gelatinous Cube in it (I am so fixated on that monster). I feel like I need to knit DnD creatures now, or paint them on my walls or something. It's just so cool!
I need to get the hang of the talking, though. When someone says, "There is a cave before you", it's hard for me to get the reaction time to say "Enter the cave". I'm thinking, what if it's a yucky cave? What if I stumble over a rock? Shouldn't I come up with a few reasons to enter the cave first? Haha... um, I'll get better.

This week =
no tv
minimum inside-ness
much envirothon
much reading in the sun
much music
much creativeness
=perfect

I'm going to play around in the backyard a lot. Prepare the ground for garden? Weed? Neh?
Probably will just spend a lot of time being a lizard and basking.

Tomorrow I have my organ lesson, though, so I need to get to sleep. It's at Trinity Presbyterian, in U. City... same place where the master class is.

Oops. Need to call them, and Donna. Damn my forgetfulness!

citizen kane, my neighbor

Thu, 22 Mar 2007 03:27:02 GMT

I am SO making this the latest night I stay up, ever.
Let's see how long I last without looking really scary in the morning!

I'm so mad, though, because I wrote the last half of my English essay in lab today, and the STUPID WINDOWS COMPUTER did not save ANY of it. So I get to redo it. Life is beautiful.

Today was nice, though. Did math in the backyard. Tried to understand redox in chemistry, and it was hard, because I somehow make a very awful point not to ask for help... and very often I need it. It's sort of a problem I have, going back to when I was little. Not sure why I am so stupidly independent sometimes, and then so needy other times.

While I was sitting outside, I looked at the houses behind ours.

My subdivision is pretty normal, has turned kind of rich in the past few years (ew... yuppies!), but doesn't have any mansions or anything. But the houses behind mine are part of a huge rich-people complex, a sort of gated community.
The people (person?) in the house directly behind ours never come outside. Their house is on a hill, so it sort of looms. It's really big, average size for a McMansion. No flowers or anything - just a large fountain on one side. No running children, no pets, no wildlife, even (because of the lack of vegetation other than grass). The only movement is the fountain, and the lights that turn on and off in the night. Occasionally gardeners come to work on their lawn.

Why?

I really want to know who lives there. There is a huge cast-iron fence, though, which would mean I would have to climb over it to meet them.

Rosebud...

2 tests. 1 essay. Zero motivation.
I was online, and only 5 percent of people who take the AP Language Exam get a 5? What?
Who pays 83 dollars to get a 2? I'm taking 2 AP tests. Scared.

On break soon... so delicious but so far away at the same time, because of tests and essay. If I can finish the essay by 11, I can study for math until 12, go in for help tomorrow before school, study for chemistry with remaining time before school and in Physics and lunch, and then after my chemistry test study some more for math and then take my math test.

Then I will do some Envirothon stuff with Eugene, learn DnD from Paul, annnd...?
My mom's leaving tomorrow to go to North Carolina, too. She's helping Big Bear (my grandfather) get rid of stuff and move. She'll be gone for 4 or 5 days, I'm going to miss her a lot.

Need to make most of spring break! Will do something interesting every day, hopefully. No TV. No over-sleeping. Just happy :)

na na na hey

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 01:56:26 GMT

things things things...

Okay if I make a list? I need to write it down so that it is someplace other than my head.

Sign up for AP tests
Practice organ
Buy books from bookstore (make sure don't have already?)
Go to Jazz Band and Envirothon tomorrow
Cobble together team members
Study for Chem and Math tests

Arrgh. So that was the little gnawing unpleasant sensation. Envirothon team. No one's motivated, no one's there, and we haven't even met yet.

So. Tomorrow we are meeting. We HAVE to meet, or else I will kill someone.
And we will meet a minimum of twice before two weeks are up, or else I will kill someone else.

If this doesn't get rolling, I'll just carry it, if I can. We really need to meet, though - I'm scared.

what are you doing the rest of your life?

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 02:55:26 GMT

Heeey!

Saw 300 today with my father. It was cool. Got lots of notes for Latin, so I can make a good project out of it. In fact, I liked analyzing it.

Things I noticed: Stereotyping, historical accuracies, beautiful cinematography, lots of blood, a ton of exaggeration, pretty boys, parallels between it and LOTR, Americanization, and an overwhelmingly Jesus-ified scene at the end.

So much! I wasn't sure how to feel because of all of that!

But overall, I liked it. It's hard for me to hate a movie with nice cinematography. And pretty boys. Did I say that out loud? Also, the fact that they mentioned the phalanx and showed the whole Spartan way of life meant that they knew in a roundabout way what they were talking about.

It was still based on a graphic novel, though. So, you know, it wasn't ~~entirely~~ half realistic.

Today... today today today. What did I do today?

I like what I'm reading right now. Silent Spring and my soil book and everything. They are very connection-y. I like it.

I need some water softener, though! Found out in my soil book that you can figure out the percentages of clay, silt, sand and humus in a specific area by taking two cups of water, a tablespoon of water softener, and soil from the top 12 inches of the ground, shaking it all in a see-through container until it's all mixed up, waiting 24 hours and then measuring the different sections (sand goes to bottom, silt is on top of that, clay is suspended in the middle, and humus is at the very top) with a ruler, dividing it by the total length and multiplying that by 100.

Bam! I'm going to own the garden this year. Screw artificial fertilizer, I'm talking microbes, I'm talking fungi, I'm talking everything. I shall be the Queen of the Terra Firma! Pedologist! Edaphologist!

...I had to look those up, don't worry.

it's very late, and i should be in bed

Sat, 17 Mar 2007 04:26:24 GMT

Mmmkay... Change is needed.

Tried one of the bread recipes tonight and it didn't work quite right. Flavor was fine, but rising was bad and it was too dense. Therefore = stop adding so much flour while kneading! Easy.

Tomorrow I accompany. I also am maybe going to see 300 with Paul and Co.? Hopefully, if we can get it together I mean.

I realized a couple things today:

1. When talking to the amazing substitute we had in math, that I really want to backpack A LOT when I'm older, and that I need to become more fit in general (in accordance with the Greek-ness: arts, learning, and physical fitness)... er, also because I need the endorphine right now.

2. I don't see, what, half of the people in the school? I feel like I'm in an honors bubble. It's kind of annoying. This might be why the next one is...

3. I have become really self-centered. Sooo focused on myself. I think it's because I don't get out much, I am sort of bored with people, and... etc. I need something new! Something to distract me! I can't stand myself, and in trying to make myself better, just screw everything up.

4. Despite this, some people still tolerate (like?) me for some reason. I don't get it.

5. I am not the same on the inside as I am on the outside. Extremely different, in fact.

6. I am going to fucking run tomorrow. A mile or two. Maybe three.

That was far too many numbers!

Most of all, I think I want to stop thinking so much. Hey, that's the other thing that annoys me about the honors bubble. Especially the sophomores that are in some of my classes - they are so demanding. Demanding of themselves and especially of the teachers. Needy needy needy.

It really pisses me off, especially when they (we? Juniors do it too, to a lesser extent - we're not as motivated, I think) think they know everything. Nietzsche was mentioned on the announcements in Physics this morning, and a Needy Sophomore asked who he was. Another Needy Sophomore promptly answered, in derogatory tone and everything, "An Angry German Philosopher", and gave the other person a Look, like that was the end of it.

Right. That is the sum of Nietzsche? Have you read Nietzsche, punk? Why are you presuming that you, by having heard that name at one of your mother's cocktail parties, could have a full understanding of any philosophers by the tender age of 15? Or even older!

Which brings me to another thing I hate about honors. We get into this frame of mind where, Yes, We Are Amazing Students, We Can Totally Understand Everything There Is To Know About Whitman and Hawthorne and Be Totally Cocky While Doing It.

In my experience, it is the quieter ones who know more (er, it should be that way anyway).

In conclusion, I've really liked talking with Jillian lately. Because I don't have to be bitter or sad or pretentious or cocky. I can just be me. Same thing with all y'all out there, too. Don't mean to be exclusionary (word?). Heh... the sub in Math and I were trading long words back and forth today. He was delicious looking (I'm sorry!) and backpacked and liked Washington and was very... very what I see the Ideal Greek as. Not that I would see myself being with that person. But he was athletic, tall, attractive, very into math and nature, not sure about arts. I like the rounded-ness.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 01:54:09 GMT

The past few days I've been really enjoying just basking in the sun... there's this hillock (ha! hillock!) on the back side of the school that is absolutely gorgeous at lunchtime.

Found a new really favorite artist. He's amazing!

His name is Chris "Isto" White... he's on YouTube, found his Banana song and was kind of hooked. It's just so happy without being annoying!

Here's his "Bear Necessities"... http://youtube.com/watch?v=TgqJ7vClALw

Aww. I like people like that.

Thinking about maybe getting a job at the Library. I've seen other teenagers working there, and it seems like it would be a pretty good place to work.

can you guess who i would talk about in therapy?

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 23:27:43 GMT

Screw that entry. This is cooler.

I have decided to screw piano camp in favor of...
it's really cool...
a lot better than a POE...
having to do with Oberlin...
it's ORGAN CAMP AT OBERLIN!

whee!

Oberlin is one of the best liberal arts colleges (perhaps the best) for music and science, so this is very good.

sadly they do not offer a piano camp. and it falls right in the middle of indiana piano camp, but i'm saying screw it!

because... well, see for yourself:

The Oberlin Conservatory of Music is pleased to announce the second annual Oberlin Summer Academy for High School Organists who are considering possible undergraduate study in organ.
Professors of organ, David Boe and James David Christie, will offer daily private lessons and master classes. There will be faculty recitals and opportunities for student performances during the Academy. Students will have access to the French Symphonic organ in Finney Chapel built by Charles Fisk (2001), the North German-Dutch 17th century style organ in Warner Concert Hall built by Flentrop (1974), and the Renaissance meantone organ in Fairchild Chapel built by John Brombaugh (1981). Students will also have access to Oberlin's extraordinary collection of 17 practice organs built by Flentrop, Brombaugh, Noack, and Holtkamp, which are housed in the air-conditioned Kulas Organ Center, and to Oberlin's harpsichord collection, which is considered one of the finest in North America. In addition, students will be able to visit the mechanical action organs by Brombaugh, Flentrop, Bedient, and Gober in Oberlin's local churches. In addition, introductory lessons will be given in harpsichord and improvisation by graduate students, Brett Maguire and Balint Karosi.
Students have daily access to 15 organs of varied design - Oberlin's outstanding collection represents the finest traditions of European and American craftsmanship. Three superb concert instruments, representative of different historical periods and musical styles, are also part of the collection. No other professional school of music has as many fine instruments.

Ohhhh my. It is so amazing. I mean, JAMES DAVID CHRISTIE ohmygod. I went to a concert by him and it was ohmygod.

It's also only 300 dollars, which may seem like a lot but is VERY small compared to normal music camps (trust me).

Plus... you know, very often in organ camps the element of romance is present (oops, it is also very often lackluster and mediocre, with a slight dusting of unattractive)...

Hot.

Although I am having doubts. Indiana has Daniel Schene, the one who I had the master class (which was amazing) with, and some other stellar people.

But I actually see myself doing more with... oh no, don't say this, Jenny...
I mean, there's more of a future in... don't do it...
There's more opportunity in organ. Sorry piano. I'm so undecided between the two.

(but organists are hellas cooler than pianists, i have to say)

gray hair and towels?

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 03:47:31 GMT

I got a one at federation. Expected. Didn't win. Also expected.
I hate that.

Anyway, today was all right. Although wearing black and white always makes me feel kind of disconnected... kind of urban at the same time? I don't know.

Trying to write this stupid essay, and it wouldn't come for the longest time, mostly because my internet was gone for about 10 hours today... and it came right back once I restarted my computer. Rrrgh.

In other news.

Today I got sort of mad at my mother again, and then felt really really bad after she tried to hug me. But then later we went another step back:
Mom: Jenny, I know you get mad because I have a problem with talking small-talk all the time, but I thought I should bring up something that is really important to me.
Jenny (eager): Yes, Mom? What is it?
Mom: Now, this may not matter very much to you, but when you go to your future fiancé's house to meet your in-laws, and you don't hang up your towel properly, your mother-in-law will be horrified. I'm sorry, but...
Jenny: Okay. I'll try.
Mom: It means a lot to me. That and thank-you notes.
Jenny: I know, Mom.

All I can say is:
1. God forbid that the person I marry someday would have parents who would disown me for not hanging up a towel properly.
2. I would hang up the towel properly! It's only... I don't really worry about it in my own bathroom, I'm sorry.

Anyway, the point is that we're probably never going to get much farther than that. I mean, she is so smart, but I think her interest lies mostly in emotions and trying to make other people happy. Which is incredible by itself (because she manages that and school and getting her masters, somehow), but... I don't think we're going to have many deep conversations, although we've had a few.
I think I'm happy with that, though. Somehow it would be weird if it were any other way.

The other thing!
Today in orchestra Jillian and Alec and David were exclaiming over my gray hair thing. So when I got home, I looked in the mirror, and saw it! I mean, I knew about the streak, but... it's pretty cool now! It's a good-sized streak, a couple centimeters across and the length of my regular hair.
I asked my mom about it and she said that there has been a lot of that, apparently the women in our family get a random streak of gray or something.
But as cool as it is, I can't help thinking that I feel a little bit like a bad roleplay character:
Princess Moonraven Darknight strolled through the forest, her pet wolf Twitchfoot by her side. She was wearing dark red robes and had blue-green eyes that changed to purple every 3 days. Her hair tossed lightly in the wind, revealing a streak of silver near the back.
Sqckkkkk. (yeah! that's the sound of strangling again!)

By the way, Paul is teaching me Dungeons and Dragons. Should I be scared? I mean, this is hardcore nerdage.

enervate my ass

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 23:04:52 GMT

Yay! Walked to Trader Joe's today! It was sunny and nice. I think someone I know went by, too, but I'm not sure who it was. At the store I bought some sun-dried tomatoes, parmesan and basil for the fugasse.

The SAT was okay, I guess. I think I did pretty well on the writing and the reading, but I wasn't sure about a few of the math ones.

Oh! My nemesis also appeared on the reading section. Here's the story - during the PSAT, there was only one question on the reading section that gave me trouble, because it contained the words enervate and vaunt, and I didn't know either one. It frustrated the hell out of me. So today, I saw enervate there AGAIN! It almost enervated me (bam!), but I ended up kicking its butt.

Just sort of chillaxing (ha...) today, don't feel like doing much. I will probably clean my room and practice piano. Blah. Still sick, too.

spring!

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 02:59:15 GMT

Tomorrow I take the SAT. Probably should have studied... I'm taking it twice, though, so there's plenty of time for that.

Today I was reading Popular Science (I will never admit to that if confronted, though), and it had the coolest project. It involved attaching durable, weatherproof solar panels to a messenger bag and hooking them up to a USB - and then while you're walking around in summer, your iPod and phone can charge. Nice, right? The cost of the whole project is around 45 dollars (but there is some soldering involved). It's basically amazing.

We're reading Walt Whitman in English these days... love love love it. I've read a little on my own, but it's cool to unpack it in class.

Watched Borat today with parents. It was funny, but... parents. A bit awkward, with the excessive man parts and all.

Also, have noticed that I can't really talk to them about the things I want to talk about. I mean, Mom usually only wants to talk about colleges or the news or girly things (seriously, I love her a lot, but she is a little transparent sometimes), and it's really hard to talk with Dad because he either ends up telling me to clean my room or get my grades up. Sometimes I talk with him about politics or books... well, there's not a lot, that's all. Occasionally my mom will start pulling out poetry books or famous authors and set them on my shelf, and my dad has an amazing sense of self and of the world, so I know they're both really awake, but it's still hard. I'm not sure what I want from them, but I do know that I'm tired of all this routine.

Maybe I'm thinking too much?
I think I just need to get out more.

Spring break is in twooo weeks! My mom has a different spring break, and my dad only has a day off a week, so...
adventure time!

I'm not sure what I will do. I'm thinking I won't spend much time inside. Since my dad doesn't have much time for the garden this year, I'll prepare the ground and stuff like that. It's too early to start planting.

Seeds we are thinking about:
Tomatoes
Bush beans
Peas
Carrots
Radishes?
Soybeans (I hope)
Eggplant

Yes, it's pretty ambitious, but I think we can pull it off. Last summer we didn't do much, just the first four on the list. I'm thinking the eggplants will be interesting.

Also, hopefully the strawberries will come back. I think our blueberries are gone, but we do have the blackberries (which the birds devour). Plus a pear tree which should actually bear fruit this year. Last year we got all of one deformed pear from it.

more ramblings and dead ends

Fri, 09 Mar 2007 04:04:25 GMT

Conundrum... con... un... drum... a negative result having to do with a single percussive instrument...
Maybe not.
Anyway, I sort of have one. My church... Church of the Open Word... is still not paying me. I like my church. A lot. But if I don't believe in it? If I just go there out of habit, because my mother goes?

The main reason I haven't taken a job at another church (there have been offers!) is because they are all in the city or something.

But... I mean, 80 dollars a week is more than 0 dollars a week, obviously.

And there are many things I need money for, e.g.
Gas (for car)
Wood (for projects)
Other DIY ~~needs~~ wants (paint, electronic components, other things)
Books
Magazines (ReadyMade, Mental Floss, Make, Scientific American)
Ingredients
Going out-ness (I wish I could just do free things with my friends...)

This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't feel so damn guilty when I have to ask my parents for money. In fact, I'm almost through all of the money I got from Solo/Ensemble. It went toward:

1 flour shaker-thing (for cooking)
2 rubber bread spatulas (again, cooking)
Gas
Two magazines (I really should curb this addiction... at least, with the ones that I don't read very often)
Raspberry gum (it sounded interesting, but surprisingly made me forget what real raspberries taste like, which made me very sad)

You know, never mind. I knew this would help. I'm spoiled with typical American gluttony. Why can't I just be happy with what I have?

I'll just get a summer job at a store or something (Trader Joe's? Please?).

Right. Anyway, today was cool! Almost as good as yesterday. Almost.
Went to piano lesson, which was nice... listened to a lot of blues on the way...
Donna said I might have a (small, infinitesimal) chance at making state at Federation. Up until now, I didn't even know you could make it to state at Federation. I'd just plodded along at regionals, making my nice little ones and not trying very hard. But apparently if you win your entire division-thing, you go to state and compete against, like, 5 people from small towns.

I just have to work harder. I haven't been playing much at all, but it's still sounding okay. Just need to get it to sounding innnncredible.

Also, you know what I really hate? When someone asks me to play the Liszt, and then starts talking or wanders away or something... I mean, that's fine, I'm not offended, but don't act like you get it. This piece... is so amazing, so amazingincredible (despite being played by me)... well, the same thing happens with any piece, really. The great musician casts a spell, and if you're freaking talking you're not even giving them a chance.

Sorry. I guess I just want really badly someone besides a judge to appreciate my music deeply. No one seems to get it.

Playing it by myself isn't that bad, though. In fact, most of my best performances are when I'm alone, because my fingers aren't shaking and I don't have to worry about anything else. Funny how that works? Playing piano in the metaphorical closet... Holden Caulfield would have approved.

Edit: Whoa... look at this! The Illinois Department of Revenue is very homosexual.

how a skirt saved my sanity

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 04:15:41 GMT

Note: I went kind of overboard on journaling today. Please don't feel obligated to read this, whoever you are. It's mostly for me, anyway. Kind of depressing at the end, too. You could just read the happy bits if you wanted.

Today was so, so fun. Amazing!

Except for all the, you know, slacking (only in math and a little chemistry! I swear! it's because I was sick!).

And it was all because of a little decision I made this morning... so I get up, trying to decide what to wear, and I look in my dresser and see what I had been planning to wear, a green and white shirt and jeans, closed the dresser, and put on this cool flower-butterfly-lightness-colory skirt and a dark blue shirt. First. Skirt. Of. The. Year.

Even though it was 45 degrees out. It was a move of defiance against the weather.

And thus, Jenny brought spring! I felt sooo good the rest of the day, just because of that. It was amazing.

For example: Mrs. Robertson's clock broke, so I offered to take it apart and fix it for her. After I took it apart, I played frisbee with the clock face with Amit and Colin. Then I drove home and not only fixed it, but put little Roman numerals over the regular numbers and added a latin quote and a picture of a Roman building on the clock face. This made me very happy, until my mother scolded me for not doing homework. Then I said I hated her (I think that was my first time EVER saying that) and felt really really uber bad and... did I apologize? She was sleepy. I think she forgot. Anyway, I was still happy (I'm such a horrible person). Then I went to a breadmaking class with my mom's friend, Denise, down at the Kitchen Conservatory. Amazing! I learned how to make a simple but perfect loaf of whole-wheat sandwich bread (you can also make rolls out of it), a brioche that you can use to make cinnamon rolls with (yeah, a pound of butter and 8 eggs - watch out), and something called a fougasse (the instructor pronounced it fook-ass), a kind of focaccia which made me want to shout, a la the tourettes guy from the Boondock Saints, "Fuck! Ass!" I didn't, obviously. I'm hopefully getting a start on the whole bread thing. I really really really want to be able to make it well. Oh, and our instructor was from Companion Breads, and was really experienced, so it was great.

I think I drank too much caffeinated tea, that's why I'm typing so much.

Last night was also pretty fun - I had to play at the all-district recital at Queeny Park, and I drove Jillian. Elisha ran around with us, afterwards (I loved it when he screamed randomly and ran around shouting about alien feces). Possibly the best part was when I let someone through from the parking lot, and Jillian jumped out and stole a traffic cone. I just waved the other cars through, they didn't even blink an eye. It's actually still sitting in my car.

Anndd... anything else? Got a one at Solo/Ensemble. I wish I felt happier about these things, but it's kind of old hat (so cocky! maybe I should stop saying this out loud). I liked the judge, though - after I gave him my music and he was looking at the sheet with my information on it, he went, "Jenn-ay", like Forrest Gump. It was funny, because Dan does that in Latin and so do some other people.

Okay, just had to journal a little. Hope this wasn't too boring - if I get the mundane things out of my head, it usually clears it up a little better for the deep thinking.

Oh, speaking of Deep Thoughts (ha - hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy), I was really affected by Mrs. Singer today. She was talking about mortality and Nathaniel Hawthorne, and Samantha said something like "I'm not really afraid of that." Well of course you're not, we're teenagers. Mrs. Singer responded with, "I used to not be afraid, when I was your age, but now that I'm older... I have at the most, what? Thirty years? It's hard to deal with." She said it with such a heartbreakingly wise and tender smile on her face that I felt like crying. It's a little easier to deal with death when the person is losing their mind and their consciousness, but with someone like Mrs. Singer - someone as free-thinking, energetic, don't-bend-to-mediocrity, awake as she is - well, it's really hard to think about. I mean, look at most elderly ladies (she's not there yet of course, not by a good while) - they do what? Brunch? The Red Hat Society (I hate those people)? Sudokus? I don't know why this is bothering me so much, but I hate thinking about her dying.

I guess I'm also sad because this is how the Sherpas (writer's group) talk, too - all of them are approaching sixty in various ways, so they often bring up subjects like growing old and what they have learned. Again, I can't see them being in nursing homes or dying or anything. The worst part is when Pat said something like, "Jenny will have to visit all of us in the old-folks home." For some of them, I'm their only link to being really remembered (like George, with no kids or sig. other). And they're all such amazing people! Through our stories and our writing over 3 years, we have grown to know each other beyond friends - I know it's clichéd, but we're family. I'm sure I've described them to you already, but there's Pat, with her 11-odd books; George, on the Library board of directors and amazing at needlepoint; Ken, who acts regularly, is a doctor and has appeared naked on stage (couldn't resist adding that); my mom, who spent 30 years at the Post-Dispatch writing award-winning articles and is becoming an elementary school teacher; Debbie, who is an elementary teacher; Karen, who likes to run; Carol, who started her own writing group; and Doug, director of the St. Louis Science Museum, who is going to Mount Everest soon. They're all so amazing, and I don't know if I could do their memories justice after they pass - it's horrible even thinking about it, and even worse imagining them being forgotten.

Is this how someone will talk about me someday?

achooooooooo

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 01:55:22 GMT

Meh. Sick as a... sick as a sick person. I hate sneezing.

So... short hold on this. I have a lot of shit to do. I also need Jenny-time. Sadly, right now it looks like it has all been sold on eBay for 2 pennies per cubic liter.

holy bedtime, batman!

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 04:28:38 GMT

The God article that showed up today in the NYTimes was very interest-piquing (awkward wordage!).
It made me tinker with my own beliefs (or lack thereof), and examine why I believe the way I do.
Everyone should read it. Seriously, even if (especially if) you believe in God - because it's not about whether God exists or not, it's about why the belief in God exists. And it deals with evolutionary science, which is something I had thought about but never to the extent of this article.
For me, the most interesting bit was when Henig (author) started talking about adaptive advantages and the theories out there - "agent detection", "causal reasoning" and "theory of mind". Agent detection is basically a term for how our brains automatically presume the presence of consciousness in something that doesn't actually possess consciousness (using their example, when there is motion right outside of our line of sight, we mistake a rock for a bear), when "such presence confounds logic". The next one, causal reasoning, is what leads us to impose a narrative upon a random string of events - instead of taking a car crash and the death of a parent as unconnected tragedies, we think, "God must hate me." The third one-

Shit. Have to go to bed, Mom's orders. Will talk more tomorrow.

This sucks.

it's because i'm a herbivore

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 00:44:21 GMT

Solo/Ensemble was today! Everything went really well, I think. All my people did great. Also, I got a one on my solo, yay! But yeah. I just wish I didn't get so nervous - whenever I have to play in front of people, my hands start shaking and my mind gets unfocused... not a good thing. I play my best when I'm alone, for some reason.

Let's get off that topic, though. I'm feeling planty today. So here are some really cool things that have to do with plants. Hopefully I will try some of them over the summer, except for the plant caller thing, which is kind of weird anyway.

1. A couple weeks ago, I decided to use an empty lightbulb for growing basil in. The seedlings all died, sadly, because there wasn't enough sun and the soil wasn't good enough, but it was a neat concept. Then, just a week ago, I'm reading the Make blog and... well, see for yourself. I think this is a much better idea, and well executed.

2. This one is really cool. See for yourself:

Yes, it's a light fixture with a wire frame and pot so that plants can grow around it. You can trim the plant or let it grow according to your lighting needs. It even uses CFLs, instead of incandescents! I also love that it will come in Woodbine, grape, and tomato as well as ivy. Plus, they will sell DIY instructions at 2 euros that can be downloaded online. Although... the pot underneath is a tad unsightly, and imagine if a tomato were to plunk onto your head during dinner... it's still cool, though. For more info, it's right here.

3. For some people, tree stumps are sad and dejected reminders of the blight that development casts on the land. What better way to honor the once-proud trees than to go around upholstering tree stumps? Er... I can thnk of a few ways... but hey, it's still a neat way of injecting art (and comfort? do people sit on them?) into public spaces.

4. And now for the weird one. To quote from their site, Botanicalls allows thirsty plants to place phone calls for human help. When a plant on the botanicalls network needs a lot or a little water, it can call a human and ask for exactly what it needs. When humans phone the plants, the plants orient callers to their habits and characteristics, including how they like to be watered and cared for. Call 212.202.8348 to hear more about each of the plants. Botanicalls opens a new channel of communication between plants and humans, in an effort to promote successful inter-species cohabitation and understanding.
Wait, what was that last bit again? Um... I love plants, but I'm not sure how far we can take the "channel of communication" thing. I guess I like the concept, though. The only downside I find are the potential situations that could arise: You're in a meeting with your boss when your cell phone rings. You answer it, to hear the Audrey Jr.-esque "FEED MEE." Or you're trying to sleep and your plant calls you, and in a drunken voice says, "I just pollinated, like, eight chicks, drank too much fertilizer and I'm lying on the side of the road. Can I have a ride home?"
Okay, maybe that last situation was a little on the unrealistic side. Here's the link.

Speaking of plants, I really want the issue of Make (that I passed like FORTY TIMES in Borders last summer but didn't pick up because Make costs like 15 dollars, not realizing that it was the BEST ISSUE) that's all about plant hacks... but they're out of it :(
It even has instructions on growing your own mushrooms!

By the way, I suppose I'm not completely a herbivore yet. I'm becoming slowly turned off of milk, though... you can't stop me! :)
The change isn't complete, never fear - mostly because I love my cereal and hot chocolate (and ice cream and cheese, waah). But milk in its pure form is kind of turning me off.